I can never understand when adults are able to put together a list of what they want for Christmas. Since my earliest memories I have always found it difficult to name the top 10 material things that would make me happy. As I look back on this year I can't help but think that I should actually be giving a few "things" back. A few of the things I wished for – many of them in the wee hours – were nothing short of miracles and certainly nothing that could be found at Macy's.
Take last spring when the nights were long and my life seemed monotonous – I wished for Axel to successfully audition for a live theatre production. It was nothing short of amazing that my 4-year-old won a spot in the cast that would change our view and respect for each other. Montessori preschool and now all-day kindergarten could NEVER have allowed him to develop the way GREAT theatre did in just a few weeks. My pride in seeing him on stage in front of hundreds...for 14 shows could never compare to something I might find in a stocking.
During that same period of time I wished I could live somewhere that would make my life easier. I wished my kids could see less of the interstate and more of their own beds. I wished I didn't have to listen to Oliver scream in the confined space of our van EVER AGAIN. That wish was truly Christmas come early when by the seat of our pants Jahred secured a job/schedule that would change the way we saw life and our house would sell. I reconnected with an old acquaintance through her ad on a bus bench which led us to a house located between both of our parents. Santa wasn't going to get this quirky '50's house down the chimney.
I wished this summer that I could make new friends and keep the old – this is probably what I'm most thankful for – I got both – sure beats a lump of coal.
In September my deepest inner wish was to go back to work. I didn't know how or where. I had no idea what I was qualified to do but I needed out of "perma-mom." I was DONE with DIY daycare. I had two fears in going back to work: that I couldn't hack it (my clothes would be too ugly, my mind would be too lethargic from years of toddler-talk, my family would fall apart), and I feared that I would regret having stayed home because I would LOVE working so much.
Let's conclude up the last month of my "year of Christmas wishes" like this:
- Bus bench girl needed someone for marketing/admin.
- I'm hired.
- For Christmas she buys me a dress.
- My fears are crap. Balance is restored.
As I read a friends blog earlier this week about her difficulties in leaving her son at daycare and as I remember the resentment I felt towards my own 1st born for "having to" stay home I can now objectively see this: when you find the perfect balance there are no fears/no regrets. The need to regret missing my 20's is no longer there. The guilt in dropping Oliver off at daycare in not even on the radar. By taking a year to make the right changes, in the right order (although frustrating at times) I can't imagine what wrapping paper could hide for me this Christmas. I am JOY FULL.
** DISCLAIMER ** That being said – should any of the packages contain things I might like...please don't return them...did I mention my clothes are still ugly?
Below you'll find our family Christmas card (front and back). I LOVE my virtual readers and my LIVE/IN PERSON fans equally and consider this addressed just to YOU. I mean that. Happy Holidays.
NEW - I'm searchable!
Grab my button: